Books: An Abridged Existence (excerpt)

“Damn you peanuts. Damn you all!!!”

Sid touches where his eyes are, and felt a gooey sticky substance. “Crap, not only am I blind, the peanuts have melted my eyes!” He begins wondering if he was lying on the airport floor somewhere, forgotten in a corner. It would be just his luck. When he was very little, only a little boy of 5, an apple tree fell on him and he was trapped for days before anyone noticed that he was missing. He worries that he may be lying on the airport floor for several weeks at least. He might even be mistaken as a passenger waiting on a delayed flight.

Then an idea strikes Sid. Rather sharply, for his hand hits something. “Since the peanuts have deprived me of vision and livelihood, I could sue. I’d be set for life. Wouldn’t have to do a thing for the rest of my life!” Sid becomes overjoyed at this idea. Unfortunately for Sid, a nurse comes by and notices the juice gluing his eyes shut, and cleans it off. Sid can see again. His hopes and dreams have just been dashed upon the rocks of reality, and he grows rather depressed. Then the nurse leaves quietly, and a villain arrives.

Dressed in a suit, briefcase in hand, the lawyer holds out his hand and a card.

P. J. Mortimer, Attorney at Large

He introduces himself, and his credentials check out. Like the card he handed Sid said, he is P. J. Mortimer, Attorney at Large.

Sid does not like lawyers. Previously, every time he had met with one, he seemed much poorer. And did not come out with a positive gain. However, this ‘P. J. Mortimer’ cuts to the chase, and explains why he is paying Sid a visit.

“You ate peanuts. Obviously you did not know that you are allergic to peanuts. Correct?” the suit man asks Sid.

Sid, not knowing what to make of the lawyer, starts out with sarcasm. “Of course I know that I am allergic to peanuts. I just wanted to eat the peanuts so I could nearly die so I could sue the airlines for lots and lots of money.”

The lawyer, having no soul, or other sense of humor, takes Sid seriously. “That’ll never hold up in court if you expect to win the case, Mr., uh-”

“-Just call me Sid.”

“Mr. Sid. I can talk to the airlines, and see what kind of settlement I can arrange for you. I think we can get the airline to pay quite a bit to you and your friends over there,” the lawyer gestures to the other occupants of the room, who were still unconscious. “You do realize that the airline is at fault here. They didn’t even have any warning labels on their peanuts. Not one mention of possible allergic reactions.”