Books: An Abridged Existence (excerpt)

“Sid, why are you strapped to your bed?”

“I never thought of it that way before. I always thought that the bed was strapped to me. But now that you mention it, I’m not sure why these straps are joining the bed and myself,” Sid smartly replies.

“It’s because he fell out of his bed. Why else would he be strapped up?” claims Carl.

“Well, I could be a cannibal,” Sid responds.

“Yeah, I highly doubt that. Why would a cannibal eat peanuts?” Carl fires back.

“I needed to eat the peanuts so I could go to the hospital, so I could get free prescriptions from the nurses, and so I could eat some people.”

“People aren’t just going to let you eat them in a hospital,” Jen interjects.

“Well, if I drug them they would.”

“Ah, but how would you get people to take the drugs?” Carl asks.

“Simple, I just give them to the people who I share a room with.”

“Are you sure you’re a musician, Sid, and not just a really bad comedian?” Jen asks jokingly.

“But you did say you were a musician,” Carl interrupts.

“Yes, a musician cannibal who ate peanuts to have an allergic reaction so he could get sent to the hospital to get free prescriptions from nurses so he could drug his ward mates in order to eat them,” Sid coolly replies.

“Sounds too complicated, even for a cannibal,” is all Carl says in response.

“Well, what kinds of drugs do you drug your ward mates with?” Jen asks.

After a rather long pause, “Amoxicillin,” Sid answers.

“Ha! You’re not really a cannibal who drugs his ward mates to eat them. Amoxicillin is an antibiotic,” Jen triumphantly replies.

“I never said I was good at being a cannibal. I also never said that I was a cannibal. Only that I could be a cannibal, and that is why they have strapped me down.”

At that point in walks a nurse, and notices that they are all awake.

The nurse seems pleased that they are all finally awake, and says something to that affect. She tells Sid that he needs to learn how to not fall out of his bed.

“So you aren’t really a cannibal then, Sid!” Carl exclaims.

The nurse responds to Carl’s comment by notifying them that the cannibals are kept on the next floor up, and are restrained with gray straps. Sid’s are definitely black. The nurse also hands each of them a rather large stack of insurance and legal forms which the nurse also indicates need to be filled out. The nurse also says that someone will be around to check on them in another hour, to see how they are doing. Then she leaves the room and closes the door. They all appear stunned, except for Sid, who is trying to dismantle one of the pens. He succeeds, and ink shoots all over his arm.